In the spirit of the holiday season, we’re taking some time to consider the vehicles that are the stuff of nightmares for car guys. Hollywood may have given us Christine and the occasional demon-possessed Chrysler, but there are plenty of production cars that are pretty terrifying all on their own. No car’s truly rotten to the core (to be honest, Driving Fans actually likes more than half the cars on this list)…but at this time of year, you’ve gotta acknowledge the monsters in your midst.
AMC Gremlin: The Gremlin, built from 1970 to 1978, was AMC’s entry into the early compact-car market. It wasn’t so much terrifying as it was unsettling to many buyers. That’s not a surprise, as people just couldn’t get used to its looks. AMC basically created the Gremlin by slicing the rear off of the Hornet compact sedan, and the result looked like it had had a narrow escape from an axe murderer.
Subaru 360: You wouldn’t know to look at the modern WRX or Outback, but Subaru’s first cars in North America were cute, terrifying deathtraps. With flyweight construction that wouldn’t survive a crash with a go-kart (let alone one of the full-size American sedans it shared the roads with) and a wobbly swing-axle suspension that was overwhelmed even by the anemic, rear-mounted 36-horsepower two-stroke engine (0-60 took over half a minute), the 360 would be a nightmare to drive on any road. They weren’t much better to Subaru’s budding dealer network–some of them sat on the lots for two or three years.
Pontiac Aztek: The Aztek is to cars what Frankenstein’s monster is to horror movies. It’s a strange-looking bogeyman that never did find its rightful place before the torches and pitchforks came out. If it wasn’t for the eyeball-assaulting design, buyers might have been able to see that Pontiac was among the first to enter the market that has since given us best-sellers like the Ford Edge and Dodge Journey. Unfortunately, the automotive village screamed in horror and burned this monstrosity as soon as it arrived.
Chevrolet Vega: The Vega meant well, but it just wasn’t ready for this world. With massive reliability and durability problems, Chevy’s early-’70s compact made many an American family feel like they’d stumbled into some car-guy’s curse. Even the hot-rod Cosworth version couldn’t disguise the fact that the Vega was prone to engines that tended to seize and a truly epic propensity to rust.
Lamborghini LM 002: Pity the poor unsuspecting Corvette that saw this monster bearing down in the rearview mirror! Before hot-rod SUVs like the Porsche Cayenne and Jeep Grand Cherokee SRT8, there was the Lamborghini LM 002. From 1986 until 1993, this paramilitary beast had the high-speed off-road market all sewn up, in spite of a design that might make Leatherface recoil in fear. The 7.2 liter V12’s insatiable thirst for fuel was pretty terrifying as well.
Prewar Grand Prix racers: In the early days of auto racing, every driver had to face a monster every single race. Prewar Grand Prix cars were stripped-down machines with only speed in mind, and driver safety was a secondary concern. How would you like to climb into a 130-horsepower vehicle capable of over 120 miles per hour, with no safety belts, no fire-suppression system, a crude suspension with skinny tires and, in many cases, an exposed driveshaft whirling away between your legs? A classic Talbot or Alfa Romeo race car is a potential mutilation device right out of a Saw movie.
Chevrolet HHR: It’s a toss-up which vehicle looks more like a hearse–the Chevy HHR or the Ford Flex. The HHR gets the nod in our list of scary cars because its retro-futuristic looks have a more foreboding look than the Flex’s smooth art-deco lines. Maybe it’s the hint of a clamshell hood and separate fenders, but there’s something about the HHR that just seems to be up to no good, even if it doesn’t have a coffin in the back.
Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera: The Ciera is the closest thing to a zombie that you’ll find in the automotive world. Other nameplates lasted just as long–the Ford Crown Victoria and Volkswagen Beetle pop to mind–but those cars retained a semblance of life with regular updates and upgrades. Oldsmobile’s mid-sizer started off as a dull driving appliance without much of a pulse and from 1982 until 1996, the Ciera continued with virtually no significant changes. It was as if Olds forgot the factory even existed and just kept churning them out. Even now you’ll occasionally see one shambling along the freeway, too stubborn to die.
Hummer H2: Toyota Prius owners no doubt have nightmares about Hummer H2s hiding behind their woodsheds, waiting to suck the gasoline out of smaller cars unwary enough to come close. The H2 was a lumbering beast that didn’t belong in the suburbs, but proliferated there anyway. In addition to its scary thirst for fuel, many H2s fell into the hands of owners who couldn’t (or weren’t willing) to drive them all that well either, leaving it up to the smaller cars, bicyclists and pedestrians to get out of the way lest they be crushed by this suburban Godzilla on a rampage to the grocery store.
1992-1995 Dodge Viper: There are some automotive monsters on this list, but many of them can’t help what they are. The Viper is the Hannibal Lecter of the automotive world; it’s got show-car looks and seductive performance masking the heart of a serial killer. Seriously, ask anyone who’s driven one; the moment you let your guard down, this 400-horsepower psychopath will happily turn on you, and without anti-lock brakes or traction control there’s nobody to save you from the monster.
